“Don’t look at once, Don’t be too obvious, Maintain a level of busyness”, “OK, I’ll just scroll the phone, Oh the calculator”, “Actually what is 2+2? Is it really 4 or 22?”.” Oh my goodness he is closer, Pretend that you are studying rocket science” Sound familiar, Has ever this type of inner voice played inside your mind when your crush is around you? And that’s why I wanted to start from here.This article is for you if you are looking for how your inside commentator can affect your relationships.
Self-Talk
We all have a narrator or an inner speaker inside us who verbalizes thoughts directed to ourselves or some facet of our lives. This self-talk plays a major role in building our self worth, self esteem and focus in turn on how we connect with others around us. (“Am I weird?” “I’m
prettier than them”. “He stared at me, I think he likes me”).
Power of Self-Talk
Children often speak to themselves out loud as they play, Russian Psychologist Vygotsky hypothesized it’s a key development of kids. As we grow older, talking to ourselves gets internalized.Self talk helps us to plan workdays and motivate positively while it can drain us
negatively at the same time. What actually plays in our inner radio stations can have a real impact on our attitudes and performance.
We have 50000-80000 thoughts per day,When we think neurons got connect and make brain either strong or weak based on the nature of our thoughts.Self talk can be positive, negative,motivational,instructional and neutral.We mainly discuss positive and negative self talk,
to contrast the healthy and unhealthy impact on us.
Positive and negative Self Talk
“My presence is valuable”
“I’m unique and special”
“I deserve more than this”
Thinking and affirming positive and encouraging things. It makes us happier, healthier and stronger.This guide our decisions and tackle day today challenges. These are the internal thoughts that provide you with assurance and motivation. When we affirm positives about
ourselves(“I can handle this,I’m capable”), we start to believe them.This nurtures a stronger sense of self worth and confidence in our abilities.
This helps us to boost mental health,(reduce anxiety,stress,depression etc.),Influence our behaviour in approaching situations and in making decisions and reinforces a healthy and capable self image.
“I’m not good enough”
“Will they leave me?”
“I’m not his type”
Here are some of the negative thoughts we rewind in our mind. Negative self-talk is a playlist of unshuffled self criticism,pessimism, and failures throughout the day playing over and over which hinders our personality development and well being. It is a silent barrier which constantly criticizes ourselves,(“I’m not good enough, I always mess things up”).Constantly criticizing yourself pulls you away from others feeling unworthy of love and support. Dwelling on negative thoughts (“This will never work out,I’m gonna fail”) fosters feelings of anxiety, stress and sadness. This breeds a weak personality, making it difficult to see opportunities and enjoy.
Self-talk and relationships.
Self talk significantly influences our relationship including love and friendships. The way we internally communicate with ourselves shapes our perception which in turn affect how we interact with each other.
Love
Our inner voice shapes our inner confidence and it translates into a greater bodyguard within the relationship and it influences how we perceive our partner. When we tell ourselves,(“I’m worthy of love, I bring value to this relationship”).We approach love without neediness.This fosters healthier expectations of both of them. After we build a strong sense of self confidence we stop seeking excessive validation from your partner.(“ My partner loves me for who I am inside out”). This enhances our attractiveness to express our feelings openly. When we have a positive point of view of our partner we tend to be more empathetic.(“They are doing their best”).
Positive self talk can reduce difficult times,(“Disagreements are normal in any relationship”).It can boost the need to overcome issues in a relationship. Through this internal support system it boosts self worth and also shapes how you approach relationships.
Negative self-talk will vanish the layout of love which will lead to questioning a partner’s love and commitments eventually push both with stress and anxiety. This negative narrator can breed suspicion without any valid reason.(“I can’t trust him, he is cheating on me”).This will erupt the trust and foundation of the partnership. If we constantly affirm us as the defeated one, (“I’m not good for him, He might settle with a prettier girl than me”) It will lower your standards and settle for partners who treat us badly. If our inner speaker dwelled from fear of rejection,( I’m too flawed to be truly loved) prevents us from being open and real. (He didn’t compliment my outfit). This type of inner voice can lead to unnecessary conflicts. Through this inner fear and self criticism it will eventually damage our romantic relationships.
Friendships
Having a positive inner dialogue helps you feel confident and sure of yourself and it shapes how we approach our friends and the quality of the friendships. A positive inner voice will encourage you to express your thoughts genuinely, (“It’s okay to say no, they will understand”). Positive self-talk will focus on seeing the good qualities of your friends’(“They are having good qualities”) fosters empathy and be supportive.You will receive the same positivity from them. This will help to navigate conflicts with friends without getting emotional damage (We can talk this through).Thinking positively and dealing with friends with the same energy, cultivates gratefulness,self worth and derives joy from these relationships.
(I’m not interesting enough to be their friend). If you are hard on yourself, It’s hard to form friendships. You will be anxious and pulled away, this will lead to feeling isolated and avoiding interactions. Constantly questioning about self worth,(Do they really like me?) will be an excessive reassurance seeking from friends which will lead to interrupt the friendship. If you always believe you are a menace to them, it can stop you from reaching your friends when you need their help. Negative self talk can create feelings of inadequacy, leading to jealousy or unhealthy relationships with your friend( will they score more than me?). Excessively affirming negative thoughts can lead to self-sabotaging behaviours and withdraw from friendships prematurely.Our internal dialogue acts as a filter for our experience in relationships. Being mindful of our self-talk and consciously choosing a more positive inner voice and reducing negative affirmations can enhance the quality of our relationships.
Building self-worth through positive self-talk
Self worth is the fundamental belief and the inherent sense that I’m valuable, worthy of love, respect and belonging simply because you are a human being. Positive self-talk is a powerful and accessible tool for cultivating a strong sense of your own value.
Challenging and replacing negative thoughts
“ You become what you think”, So you have to be aware of the inner radio station in your mind. We have to tune it carefully especially when you are with people you care about. You have to focus on your achievements and beat up your weaknesses. Whenever you are suffering as a victim of negative self-talk you have to question your mind,”Are these facts true ones or
assumptions?Why should I believe without a valid reason?”
Be kind to yourself
Treat yourself with the same understanding and kindness you would like to be offered by your loved ones. Everyone makes mistakes.Don’t beat up yourself, instead positive self-talk encourages you to be understanding and learn from mistakes.
Surround yourself with supportive people
When we are working on our self worth, supportive friends and partners offer external reassurance that can be incredibly helpful. They believe in us, and it can fuel our hidden motivation and boost our esteem.These people create a safe environment where you feel
comfortable sharing your thoughts without inner fear. This is a crucial ingredient in building lasting relationships.
Use affirmations
Regularly repeat positive statements about yourself and your relationships . You can write them down, say them out aloud or think them to yourself.(“I’m capable of building meaningful connections with others” By feeding subconscious mind, positive thoughts consistently
You can gradually override negative thinking patterns and boost self confidence.
Humor
The goal is to lighten up the mood and build yourself and relationships up and not to tear down with a comedic twist .It’s been your own funny supportive best friend. By weaving humour into your positive self- talk you can make the process of building self worth more enjoyable with your partner.
When you believe in your own worth, you are more likely to attract and nurture connections with your partner and friends that are fulfilling, supportive and based on mutual respect and love.
Written By: –
Rtr. Kihansa Wickramasinghe
(Prospect Member 2024-25)
Edited By: –
Rtr. Thisara Kuruppuarachchi
(Senior Blog Team Member 2024-25)
